How To: Play Skyrim Like a Girl

Play Skyrim Like a Girl

Anyone that has ever watched a member of the opposite sex play a video game knows that the other gender does it wrong.

My personal favourite example of this is Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, after you get the Hearthfire DLC. When I first watched the demo clip for this DLC I freaked out. I already loved Skyrim, and now it was going to be just that much more like Harvest Moon!! My older brother was nowhere near as excited, until he saw the bit with the giant attacking his house. That got him interested.

Now, I want you boys who are reading this to understand, I know a lot of you aren't as "hack and slash" as us girls make you out to be. But to be fair, we aren't as "Cooking with Peach" oriented as you think. So, here are the steps to playing Skyrim like a girl...

  1. During character customization, spend at least a half an hour working on the appearance of your character as one species.
  2. Spend another half hour working on the appearance of your character as a different species.
  3. Choose which one looks the best, and use that one.
  1. Follow the cutest guy into the keep during your escape from Helgen. Marriage is an option in Skyrim, remember? Unfortunately you will realize after you consult the Elder Scrolls wiki that neither of those characters is marriageable... sigh... Haldor...
  2. After you get to Riverwood you'll be asked to go to Whiterun and warn Jarl Balgruff the Greater about the dragon attack on Helgen. Ignore this. There's a whole wide world out there to explore! Who needs dragons?
  3. There are three options where you can buy land. To be able to buy the land in Falkreath, you can usually help out the Jarl by getting him some mead or whatever else it is that he might ask you for. As soon as you've done this he will typically ask you to help out 3 citizens of Falkreath, you then become Thane and are able to buy land To buy land in the Haljmarch complete the Laid to Rest questline, you can start this by talking to the innkeeper or the Jarl and then investigate the burning of Hroggar's house and kill all the vampires. To buy land in the Pale get to level 22 and finish the Walking Nightmare questline, this is perhaps the HARDEST way to get land. This involves helping a priest of Mara to clear out a tower full of insane priests and orcs, plus the leveling up bit!
  4. Buy the land! Whichever land is available first, BUY IT! They all have the same amount of customization.
  5. Spend all of your time and Septims (the imperial currency) building and furnishing your perfect house.
  1. When you run out of Septims, go adventure and maybe find a husband along the way.
  2. If you made at least 2 single beds in your house before you ran out of Septims, adopt children by talking to one of the adoptable ones. (Lucia is in Whiterun, Blaise is at Katla's farm, Sofie is in Windhelm, and Alesan is in Dawnstar.)
  3. Finish building and furnishing you perfect house, adventuring as needed to make extra Septims. Below is a picture of a Septim.
  1. Build another house.
  2. And another...
  3. You have now reached the limit of 3 houses. Finish all the sidequests you can find.
  4. Get to the last battle of the main quest and don't bother finishing it... You already know from the Elder Scrolls wiki, if you've read it as extensively as I have, how it ends...

Voilà! You now know how to play through the Hearthfire expansion.

You can also collect awesome weapons and armour to display on racks and mannequins in your house. You can bring gifts home from your adventures for your children. Now go forth and don't take any arrows in the knee! ;)

9 Comments

"How to play Skyrim like you", you mean.

Because I fucking loooove dragons and killing draugrs!

I'd have to agree. I have the hearthfire DLC and while I have all three houses, I've completed all quest lines... ALL OF THEM! I definitely don't spend that much time on the houses and shit. The actual quest lines are way too bad ass to ignore.

This sounds like something I'd do tbh, though, I'd accidentally shout them literally across the house.

I laughed through this whole thing because it's so much me.

Sad and repulsive article full of internalized sexism.

..... You missed 'Get even more excited when you realize Heartfire is only $5'...

Yeah... This is me. Get the house, furnish the house, get the family, then do the quests.

I really just like playing the fake life though, if I'm in the mood, I kill dragons too....

..... and only partly because selling their parts gets a lot of money.

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